


Oh Ana baby, Ana hear me

by vampirevessel



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst and Feels, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Babysitting, Eating Disorders, Everyone Is Alive, Heavy Angst, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Partying, Sad Bang Chan, Sad Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Sad Seo Changbin, Self-Harm, The Author Regrets Everything, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, Underage Smoking, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 23:14:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30147093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirevessel/pseuds/vampirevessel
Summary: Chris is Felix babysitter, has been for two years.But Felix is 15 now, and Chris is catching up on what's dragging him down.Felix does (not) need him.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people.
> 
> Felix's eating disorder is basically the main topic of this (as you might've guessed from the title), so don't take this too lightly. There's also going to be explicit self harm (cutting) and vomiting scenes.

The ring of the bell was bittersweet. Felix liked Chris, but he didn't like why Chris was visiting. He had known the older for almost two years now, but at 15 he didn't feel like he needed a babysitter anymore. He could survive just fine on his own. That is, if he wanted to do so. And he did, in a way, want to survive. But there were things he had to do to make said survival possible.

"Hello Mrs. Lee," Chris greeted, polite as ever, and took off his shoes.

"Hello Chris, it's always so nice to see you," Felix' mother smiled but the boy just scoffed from where he was hiding upstairs. They talked a bit longer but Felix was too far gone mentally to understand them. They were probably talking about Chris's payment and how bad Felix was doing. 

"Lixie, what are you doing here?" Chris asked with a soft chuckle as he walked up the stairs and saw the young boy sitting there. He looked up and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Chillin'. What are you doing?"

"Well, I thought we could go for a walk," the older said and Felix hesitated. He liked going for walks. Loved going outside. But there was something wrong about Chris suggesting it.

"Okay."

The duo went straight for downtown and Felix had to stop every ten seconds to make sure Chris was catching up. Old man. So slow.

"Wanna hear a joke?" Chris asked with a grin. Felix nodded.

"Papa tomato, momma tomato and baby tomato go for a walk. Papa tomato notices baby tomato falling behind so he stops and says… 'Hey child… Ketchup!'" Felix raised a brow, too annoyed by Chris being a slow, old, unfunny baby tomato.

"At least act like it was funny," Chris pouted and Felix started wondering who was babysitting who.

"You're old," he said, and kept walking at his fast pace.

"Felix!" Chris whined, "Come on, wait for me. Don't run like that. Can't we just enjoy the time outside without running?"

"Do you want ice cream? I’m paying," Chris smiled when they reached a cute little ice cream parlor Felix had never paid much attention to before. 

Felix shook his head at the poor attempt. "No. Thank you."

Chan ordered two scoops for his ice cream, one cookie and one yoghurt. Felix turned away.

"Are you sure you don't want to try?" Chris asked and Felix nodded. He was 200% sure. Just the thought of it made him sick. How could Chris eat something disgusting like that? And he seemed to actually enjoy it. He licked his smiling lips, moaned at the taste, chewed the little pieces of cookie dough. Felix was close to tears.

"It's so good. Maybe we'll have to go get another one on the way back," he sang and kept licking his disgusting calorie bomb right next to Felix. 

"That was really insensitive," Felix said when they got home. Chris sighed.

"I'm… I'm sorry, Felix. It wasn't my idea, please believe me. Your parents asked me to try and take you out for ice cream. They have good intentions, Lixie." The boy scoffed. He didn't care about his or their intentions. He just needed them to stop trying.

"Oh yes, great intentions. We are very different, Chris. Okay? Your body might need that, but mine doesn't. I don't need it! You're buff and hot and all that but I'm not, so stop pushing your diet on me!" He got louder towards the end and sighed. "Sorry.

"No, it's okay. I see where you're coming from. And I know that's not what you want to hear but… What you're doing isn't healthy, Lix."  
If looks could kill, Felix would've by now burnt a hole into the floor.

"I'm doing just fine, Christopher."

Chan's heart stung when Felix called him by his full name. He only did it when Chris was about to overstep boundaries, but Chris had been waiting patiently in front of Felix' walls for so long. He needed to get to the other side.

When he got to know Felix, two years ago, he was thirteen and Chris was 19. His mother had gotten promoted in her job, which meant she now needed a babysitter for her only child. Back then Felix had adorable, chubby cheeks, decorated with freckles, the face of a literal angel, and he was glowing. But over the time, Felix' cheeks started to disappear. Of course, it wasn't unusual for kids in puberty to lose their baby cheeks, but that wasn't the only thing that changed. Felix lost his cheeks and with that his glow, his energy, his soul. Chris never knew what the boy weighed, but while growing a good five inches over the past two years, he probably didn't gain a pound, making him weigh as much as a child when his body should be building muscles.

Usually he got invited to the child's 14th birthday party, their parents paid him one last time and Chris never came back to babysit them. He had expected the same from Felix, but his birthday party never happened. He had asked about it before, both him and his parents, but there was no party planned. Felix's grandparents sent him some money and he got presents from his parents, and that was his arty. Of course Chris gave him something, too.

That was over a year ago. Now Felix was fifteen and Chris could probably still carry him using just one arm. When Chris cooked, it usually ended up being eaten by him and Felix's parents when they got back from work. Felix just pushed his food around or complained that he didn't like it. But Chris wasn't stupid. He had found a pattern of what Felix would eat, at least a little bit, and usually tried to stick with that. Veggies, soups, sometimes he'd eat some meat, but only if it wasn't too fatty, eggs were fine, too, but preferably without the yolk. 

"I will go make dinner now. You don't have to join if you don't want to." Chris got up and Felix put his earphones in, ignoring the older. Chris went to the kitchen and started grabbing the things he needed. He doubted Felix would eat at all, now that he had openly given him the option to skip dinner - against what his parents paid him for - so he made something he himself liked. Rice, sauce, some chicken, some veggies, lots of spice. It smelled delicious and Chris wished Felix could enjoy the meal as much as he did.

Felix pushed the chicken around, blew it, ate some veggies and drank half a glass of water. Chris tried not to watch him but it was difficult. He cared for the boy, so seeing his boney fingers holding the chopsticks, picking each grain at once - it broke his heart once again. Felix yawned and put the chopsticks down to finish his water, then got up to fill the glass again.  
Chris was not stupid. He knew Felix was drinking water to make himself feel full, to suppress the hunger. He knew Felix had either slept enough but eaten so few calories he was getting tired already, or the hunger had kept him up so long he had barely gotten any sleep. Both options worried him. Felix was hiding in a big hoodie and sweatpants, hanging on his small frame like a potato bag. For a moment he wondered how Felix wasn't sweating, since Australia wasn't exactly cool, even in March, but then he figured this was just another toll the lack of food took on his body.

"Do you want a smoothie or something?" Chris asked and Felix shook his head.  
"No. Sorry. Maybe later." Chris could live with that. He didn't really care what the younger ate, anything was better than nothing.

Felix had fallen asleep on the couch halfway through the movie. His head was lying on the arm rest, his legs pulled close to his body.  
"Lixie?" Chris said quietly to check how deep the boy was sleeping. He didn't move an inch. Chris smiled softly and picked the boy up from the couch, one arm under his knees, one on his back, head rested against Chris' shoulder. He sighed as his brain compared the boy to his younger sister. She was 18, around Felix height but her athletic body was definitely heavier than the skin and bones that were Felix. He carried the boy to his room and put him down on his bed, covering him with his fluffy blanket. Felix' phone vibrated on his nightstand and the screen lit up. Chris knew he shouldn't look, knew to respect Felix' privacy, and yet his eyes caught sight of the screen as he turned around. It was a twitter notification from someone called "fake skinni bitch" in a group chat he couldn't read, that said "72h into fasting fat pigs" and Chris' stomach turned. Fat pigs. 72 hours. He hoped Felix didn't fast that long. Three days with no food - Chris couldn't get his head around it. Felix was beautiful, had always been. What got him to do something like this? "Fat pigs"… Chris hadn't been this angry in a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

Chris was walking his dog for the last time of the day when he got a call from Felix. It was 11pm and Felix rarely ever called him. This didn't feel good.

"Hello?" he said, obviously confused, and watched Berry inspect some flowers.   
"Are you Chris?" That wasn't Felix.   
"Yes. Where is Felix?"  
"He's, uhm, he's not feeling so good. Could you come pick him up?" Chris ran inside with Berry on his arm and grabbed his car key.  
"Send me the location."  
"Okay, thank you." The location came just a few seconds later, Chris already leaving his driveway. He drove much faster than he was allowed, but it was late, nobody was on the streets, and he needed to get to Felix as soon as possible.

"Hey, where is he?" Chris asked as a teen opened the door.  
"Who are you?"  
"I'm Chris. Bang Chan? I'm Felix' ba- uhm, friend." The kid nodded and let him come in.  
"We know you're his babysitter. He complains about you all the time," the kid said and led Chris through the house. He didn't even get offended by the comment. There was music playing, bottles of different alcoholic beverages on the tables, snacks and clothes on the floor, and most people seemed to be just leaving. The boy opened the door to a bathroom with two other teens inside.

"What happened?" Chris asked as he sat down next to the unknown boy. The makeup he wore was running down his cheeks as he held Felix in his arms.  
"I'm sorry, I, we didn't know what to do, we couldn't call an ambulance, we just-"  
"Hey, calm down. Tell me what happened."

The boy turned Felix to the side and showed his arm to Chris, sloppily bandaged with a now bloody bandana. He cursed under his breath.

"He's, he's breathing, I mean, he's all good, just unconscious, but there was so much blood and we drank quite a bit and," the kid started sobbing again and buried their face in the crook of Felix' neck.

"I'll take him home. Thank you. Maybe you should go, too. Do you need anything? A ride?" The boy shook his head.

"No, I live down the street. I, I'll go home soon. Please don't tell his parents without his consent." Chris nodded and picked Felix' weak body up from the floor. There was more blood on the tiles, on his shirt and on the toilet. It looked like a mirder scene.  
He carried Felix to his car and drove home. Usually he would take him right to the hospital, but Felix was only 15 so he couldn’t really stay there without his parents finding out. When he got back home, Felix was still unconscious. He carried him inside and a sleepy Berry greeted him. Chris put the young boy down in the empty bathtub and sat down next to him after grabbing his first aid package. He closed his eyes, prayed that 'Please, please don’t let it be too bad', and untied the bandana. Chris' heart got ripped a little and he felt sick in the stomach. His whole arm was smeared with blood and there were five, six, seven cuts running down his arm vertically and two more crossing some of those cuts like crosses, making the skin split even further. There were a few more smaller ones he didn't even count. With the number rising, so did the pain in Chris' heart. Tiny red droplets of blood appeared in the wounds that had been temporarily closed by the dried blood and tight bandana. He took a wet cloth and carefully started cleaning Felix' arm. Chris wasn't someone who cried quickly, so the feeling of wet cheeks was unusual and everything but pleasant.

"I'm so sorry, Lixie," he whispered and dabbed some blood off. The cuts didn't seem too deep, but they were quite long and there was no fat on Felix's arms, so even cuts that weren't deep reached layers that should never see the light of the day. The wounds were surrounded by healed scars, some almost white, some a dark shade of pink. He didn't even want to think about how long he had been doing this. Chris hadn't noticed - not once. Maybe he was in fact pretty stupid. Now that he had seen the scars, he sure felt like it, stupid, for not even thinking about Felix hurting himself in other ways, ways that weren't just extreme food restriction. He felt the need to check if there were more places where Felix had done this, but the thought of it made his head spin. Usually the first thing he would do when he brought a drunk friend home was putting them in a dry change of clothes but for Felix, he felt like if he did that, it would destroy every bit of trust the boy had put in him - and he couldn’t even blame him. So they just sat there, in the bathtub, blood on both their shirts, while Chris bandaged his arm properly.


	3. Chapter 3

"Felix, you alright?" Jisung asked laughing, his eyes still red from the joint he had smoked earlier. Felix kind of regretted having rejected it.

"I think I had too much," he said and downed his last shot. Jisung shook his head.

"Lightweight! Should've smoked instead." Felix rolled his eyes and got up from the couch.

"Should I come with you?" Jisung offered but Felix declined.

"No, that's gross." He left towards the bathroom, the sick feeling in his stomach getting worse and worse with every step, and closed the door behind him. His head was spinning quite badly for the little amount of alcohol he had had. That's we you get from drinking on an empty stomach. Oh how badly he craved just that, an empty stomach, so empty he could feel it feed off his body from the inside. Felix dropped in front of the toilet and threw up without even having to push a single finger down his throat. If only it was always this easy.

He opened his eyes and scrunched his nose at the familiar smell of food and stomach acid. It was disgusting. He thought back to the pizza he had earlier, and the potato chips, and the alcohol, and pushed two fingers down his throat. This wasn't half as disgusting as keeping all that inside. He coughed and choked and pushed a third finger down his throat but all he got out was spit and maybe some of the alcohol. His head was spinning. This wasn't enough. This was bad. This was a mistake. He shouldn't have done any of this. Shouldn't have come here. Shouldn't have accepted any of the food.  
But Felix came prepared, of course he did. If he couldn't help himself like this, he had to improvise. The unlocked door long forgotten, Felix pushed the sleeves of his hoodie up to his shoulders and got his little tool box out of his pocket. At this point this whole ritual wasn't anything special anymore. A year ago he would have wasted a good two minutes staring at the blade, making the light dance on it, but he was over that. A quick first cut was made with his arm resting on the toilet, then another one, slow and deep. His skin split instantly and for a second he could see the other layers beneath his skin before everything turned warm and red, and slowly ran down his arm. The blade touched his skin lightly and Felix watched it vanish into his skin. One millimeter, two, three, he needed more. He dragged the blade down his arm and sighed. He was too weak, always too weak. 

Felix had lost count at some point. He was stuck in a kind of binge he had never felt before. He binged on TV shows, on food (even though he would never admit that) but he had never binged on mutilating himself before. It was ecstatic. The blade had almost slipped from his fingers a few times and cut his finger tips in an attempt to catch the precious little object. The blade slipped again and this time he wasn't able to catch it. His fingers were numb, his vision blurry and his mind foggy. He had no control over his body anymore, so his body took control of itself and went into standby.

"Hey Sungie, we were gonna play Truth Or Dare, do you wanna join?" Changbin asked and Jisung nodded.  
"Sure! Let me just take a piss- oh and I'll see if Felix wants to join! I'll be right back," he responded and ran off to the bathroom. He meant to go there a while ago but kind of forgot about it, so now he really had to go.  
"Felix, you still in there?" he asked through the door and opened it when he didn't get an answer.  
The sight was like a punch right in his lungs.

"Get the fuck up, now!" he yelled and sat down next to Felix and the red puddle on the floor he prayed was just a drink (even though he didn't really believe it himself).

"Felix, fuck, hey." He pulled the unconscious boy on his lap and quickly tied the bandana he had been wearing when he first joined the party around the boy's arm, desperately trying to cover all the cuts. It was difficult.

"Shit, fuck, you can't do this to me," Jisung growled, trying hard to surpress the tears stinging in his eyes. He was still stoned and had no idea how to handle the scene he was in right now.  
Luckily enough Changbin opened the door just a bit later.

"Fuck, what happened with- God damn it." He sat down next to them and pulled Felix's phone out of his pocket.

"Give me his damn hand." Changbin unlocked the phone with Felix's fingerprint and scrolled through his contacts. This was bad.


End file.
